Not worth it.

Disclaimer: this post is not bashing anyone that isn't a stay at home mom or is successful in any career field. Rather its my heart and mind at war with one another.......a war that is all too common with mothers. I know so many can sympathize. I apologize if this hurts anyone in any way. I understand that staying at home is not an option for some mothers no matter how badly they want it.

Some day's, like today I get down in the mouth when I look around at all the successful businesses similar to my own that started later than I did. I'm not jealous at all, I'm proud to see other SAHM's being successful. That say's a lot for us! It's just that I know my potential and I have the customer base, but I lack the time or rather the desire to miss out on my children's childhood to be a success in any career field. I have such strong urges and ideas that at times I can get carried away with.......until I see those precious little ones needing attention, real attention and then the grandest idea's are all just vanity. In my dreams I'm a successful designer and photographer, enabling my husband to stay at home with us.....we would school, explore and work together, the 5 of us. But the reality is that there are soooo many hours that I must spend alone, not engaged with them. Working, slaving, giving my best hours to.....to something that we all can't enjoy together. And so it's not worth it. I am a stay at home mom after all...........that is why I stay at home....so I can be with them, engaging with them, teaching, learning, living. And so I lay down my dreams and pick up my children's........that is my calling, above everything else, every other calling I may have, these 3 little amazing human beings are my callings. Please know that I don't begrudge it one little bit. It is an honor to be called to be their mother, it's just that sometimes my dreams can take a hold of me so fiercely that it hurts to lay them down. But my dreams are just that. Dreams. Not real like these little human beings that are flesh of my flesh, my heart, my soul.....dreams are not worth it. No, I'm not hanging up my sewing machine or camera. They have just been put on the leash....not me.

There is NOTHING worth missing out on moments like this....

when I taught him to ride his bike without training wheels. My mommy heart nearly burst with joy watching him. My sewing machine has never given me such joy.



My sewing machine has never showed me the love like this little girl shows to all around her....

Or the amazing genius of this little boy in a man's body....

So when you look at me and think I'm slacking, just remember, it's not because I can't....it's because it's not worth it........not worth missing these moments.